To anyone who is reading: I just thought I’d let you know that the post content is going to expand here at One Sick Vet. Up until now, I have followed the advice of keeping my blog in a well-defined niche, but that feels too restrictive for me. And since I don’t have any reason to stay confined to the health/chronic illness niche, I’m going to expand my content and talk about other things that I think are important or interesting as well.
I think two of the most important aspects of life are managing your health and managing your money. To date, I have been talking about managing health. Although I have been a personal finance [PF] nerd for three decades, when I started this blog I didn’t think I had anything unique to contribute to the PF/FIRE [Financial Independence, Retire Early] blogosphere. But now I think that I do have a unique contribution to make, at the intersection of personal finance and health.
While talking about money is becoming less taboo (at least, in certain corners of the internet), talking about health and/or chronic illness and disability is not. So, I’m going to continue to blog about health, wellness, chronic illness, and disability, but I’m also letting my inner personal finance nerd loose to blog about money, and how financial security/insecurity affects health & wellness, and vice versa. I hope you’ll join me.
TL;DR: I am expanding the content of my blog, and will now be blogging at the intersection of health and personal finance.
I just gave Spousal Unit a haircut. Not a big deal – I’ve been cutting Spousal Unit’s hair for about 18 years.
But, there was a time when I was intimidated by that task. I was hesitant to try, because I was afraid I’d screw it up. Not because I’m afraid to try new things, but because how one’s hair looks is a big deal to most people, and no one wants to live with an angry spouse while it’s growing back.
Even though Spousal Unit had suggested I try it, I avoided cutting Spousal Unit’s hair *until* the day Spousal Unit came home with a bad haircut, to put it baldly (see what I did there?). I looked at that haircut and thought, “I can’t do any worse than *that*!” And so I began cutting Spousal Unit’s hair.
Now, there weren’t any YouTube videos back then on how to cut hair. So I just went for it.
And by that, I mean I nervously trimmed away small amounts until we both agreed I had done enough. The first couple of haircuts were not stellar. But they weren’t as bad as “The Bad Haircut” that prompted me to try it myself. And after a rocky start, the haircuts got better and better. I don’t do anything fancy, but I get the job done.
Spousal Unit likes the convenience and the amount of money we have saved on haircuts over the years. There was a small initial outlay for scissors, etc., and we have replaced items a few times, but we have saved substantial amounts ($$$) over the nearly 20 years I have been cutting Spousal Unit’s hair.
And yet, there are many folks unwilling to try to learn how to do things themselves, especially cutting their significant other’s hair! In the frugal community, it’s often called “insourcing” labor/services, rather than “outsourcing” them. Older (*ahem*) folks often call it DIY (Doing It Yourself).
No one is good at something the very first time they try it – it takes practice to become as good as experienced folks.
Crew Dog, One Sick Vet
This reminds me of a time when we were out to dinner with another couple, and Spousal Unit and I were making short work of a pile of crab legs. The wife of the other couple asked me when I’d learn how to crack crab legs. I couldn’t remember, and I blithely said something to the effect of “I don’t know. It’s something I’ve always known.” But that’s not accurate.
Here’s what I wish I’d said: “I don’t remember when I learned how to crack crab legs. I obviously didn’t eat them when I was a child [because we were dirt poor, and ate things like Hamburger Helper]. Somewhere along the way, it’s a skill that I picked up. I’m sure I looked silly doing it at first. But now I do it with a level of skill that looks intimidating to you. And it’s become so easy for me that I can’t even remember when and how I first learned how to do it. But that shouldn’t stop you from trying. Because you’ll get better at it with practice. And pretty soon it’ll just be a thing that you know how to do.”
Doug Nordman shared with me recently that a technique that helped his daughter overcome apprehension about trying things/taking a new course of action (when she was younger) was to ask her “If you did that, what’s the worst thing that could possibly happen?”Once they troubleshot various courses of action, she was comfortable proceeding with her chosen one.
That’s basically what I did before I started cutting Spousal Unit’s hair. I asked myself (and Spousal Unit) what the worst outcome could be, and we agreed that the worst I could do was a bad haircut, and that the hair would, eventually, grow back. Spousal Unit was ok with that worst case scenario, even though it might mean sporting a bad haircut at work. After all, I couldn’t do any worse than “The Bad Haircut” Spousal Unit had received from a paid professional.
And so it began. If you asked Spousal Unit about it, you’d receive this reply: “Yeah, the first couple haircuts were a bit rough. They weren’t that great. But after those first few, they’ve been good ever since, and we’ve saved a lot of time and money.”
What is something you’d like to learn how to do, but may have been intimidated? Are there videos you can watch to learn skills and techniques? Or books you could check out from the library? Do you know someone skilled who could teach you? Or is it something you could learn how to do through trial-and-error? Why not start developing your DIY skills?Sooner than you think, whatever it is you wanted to learn will transform from something you were apprehensive to try into a thing that you know how to do.
P.S. – In case you were wondering, Spousal Unit eventually took the plunge and started cutting my hair too. That doesn’t happen on the regular, but Spousal Unit does a really good job (most of the time). So now cutting hair is a thing we both know how to do.
February 2014 I slipped and fell while on a scuba vacation, and it took 5 surgeries over the next 4+ years to repair the damage done to my arm – 2 shoulder surgeries, 2 wrist surgeries, and one elbow surgery [You can read about them here, here, here, and here.
December 2018 I finally dove again – just a short skills refresher dive. News Flash – I was rusty. But it was great to be back in the water again after nearly five years.
Fourth of July weekend 2019 I made another dive. Again a short shore dive. But this time I felt much more comfortable under the water.
This week, Spousal Unit and I are boat diving. It feels great to be back in the water again. We made two dives today, and so far my ears are cooperating (meaning I have been able to equalize the pressure in my ears throughout the ascents and descents during the dives). My ears don’t equalize as effortlessly as they used to, so we take our time descending from and ascending to the surface.
Before we dove today, I did physical therapy stretches and exercises and some very light therapeutic yoga. Post-dive tonight, I have a heating pad on my back. Getting older ain’t for sissies.
But I am very grateful just to be able to dive again. Scuba is something Spousal Unit and I really enjoy doing, and we have been diving together for over twenty years. It would have been a great loss if we were no longer able to dive together.
I have to pace myself – we aren’t doing much else on days we are diving. I prep for our dives with the exercises and stretches, we eat a healthy meal in our travel trailer, make a couple dives, and then come back to our trailer, hang our gear out to dry, take showers, cook a simple meal, and relax on the heating pads while logging our dives.
I may be doddering along. I may accept help from the boat staff to lift my gear on and off the boat (which I never would have done when I was younger and healthier). I may not be eating and drinking in restaurants and seeing the topside sights. But I’m here.
And I am willing to do whatever is necessary in order to be able to keep diving with Spousal Unit. I hope we have many more decades of diving together.
And I appreciate, in a way I never did before, that being able to dive is a privilege. Even if you set aside the costs involved, many people don’t enjoy sufficient health to be able to dive. For nearly five years, I didn’t have sufficient health to be able to dive.
So I’m going to enjoy every dive I get, and I’m going to do whatever it takes to be able to keep diving with my favorite buddy.
There is a certain personality type that is always looking for ways to make things better – themselves, their jobs, their lives, their communities, and possibly even the systems that shape those things. And, to a certain extent, that is useful.
Perhaps you have this personality type. Perhaps you agree with the playwright, George Bernard Shaw, who said:
“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.”
Perhaps some people are able to sustain this mindset their entire lives, continuing to alter their environments to suit themselves or to pursue altruistic perceived improvements. Perhaps these lucky few are able to sustain happiness, satisfaction, or contentment.
But perhaps not. Instead, many of us find that we reach a point where we are no longer able to shape our environment.
Toni Bernhard was instrumental (through her books) in helping me really “get” that I would be less discontent, and possibly might even reach a state of equilibrium, if I acknowledged that my expectations did not match my reality and let go of my expectations. At the time I first started contemplating this idea, I was thinking about my chronic illness and disability.
But recently I’ve been thinking about this idea while reflecting on my time in the military. I separated from military service because my last unit had bad leaders and a toxic work environment, and because I was not permitted to make any changes that might improve the situation.
I had reached the point where I woke up every morning dreading getting out of bed and going to work in that environment. But what if I had managed my expectations? What if I had shifted my perspective?
It is not in the nature of most military members (nor is it nurtured) to walk past a problem without attempting to solve it. In fact, military members are strongly encouraged to fix any problem they see or hear about.
But, having given it my best shot, and having been told my input was unwelcome and the situation was not going to change, what if I had adjusted my expectations? Would my work situation have been more tolerable if I had reframed the situation, and told myself that even though the situation was untenable, I was making money for financial independence? Perhaps the frequent deployments would have been less aggravating if I had seen them as opportunities to make tax-free money for retirement, rather than interruptions of my home life and education.
My discontent has always lain in the space between what “should be” and what is.
Crew Dog, One Sick Vet
There comes a point, with chronic illness and/or permanent disability, when you realize that your old life is over and it’s not coming back. People in these communities call it “accepting your new normal.”
Now, you may argue that not accepting “one’s limitations” is empowering, and that refusing to accept that your illness/disability has to change your life will motivate you to get better and to accomplish things you (and the doctors) never thought possible. That may be true for a select few individuals. What is true for a great many more is that, no matter *what* they do or don’t do, their health or abilities are not coming back. And acceptance of this reality, this “new normal,” is the path to good mental health.
Discontent arises from reality not meeting expectations. You can insist that George Bernard Shaw was right, and that forceful visionaries improve their environments by insisting that reality conform to their expectations. But this is also the path to burnout and dissatisfaction.
In the end, the most useful advice may come in the form of the Serenity Prayer, known to many alcoholics:
As we grow in maturity, as we become older, and/or more infirm, may we seek for the serenity, the peace of mind, that comes from knowing what we can change and what we cannot change.
Our spending habits we can change. Sometimes even our salaries we can change. Our eating habits we can change. Many times, our exercise levels we can change. Our sleep habits we can change. (But that may not “cure” our insomnia.) We can try exercise plans, dietary supplements, prescription medicines, but sometimes we eventually have to accept that our bodies are permanently broken or ill or dysfunctional.
And coming to terms with our limitations is incredibly difficult. Most people say it’s an ongoing struggle, rather than a one-and-done. But if, as Toni says, we can reach a point where we acknowledge and observe our situation, experiencing the associated feelings and then releasing them, accepting what is – that gives us emotional freedom. Serenity, even.
So, as you seek to optimize your life, your organization, and/or your community, ask yourself this: What can I change and what can I not change?
Perhaps you’re allergic to shellfish. No amount of wishing it weren’t so is going to change that. Perhaps you have COPD, and living at altitude makes it more difficult to breathe. Maybe you have shoulder problems, and your doctor has told you never to do pull-ups again. Nearly all of us have some kind of limitations. The biggest challenge is learning which limitations to fight and which limitations to accept.
Perhaps the Rolling Stones couldn’t “get no satisfaction” because they should have taken Led Zeppelin’s advice and accepted “what is and what [can] never be.”
Having spent most of my life employing courage to change the things I can, I am now transitioning to developing the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to be able to identify which is which.
Are you wasting resources fighting a limitation that you cannot change?
Tell us in the comments if you’ve struggled with a limitation and what you learned from that experience, whether it has to do with health, finances, or some other aspect of your life or environment.
