Although I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, I did decide to take Mrs. Frugalwoods’ January über frugal challenge (unofficially, more details on Monday).
And now that I have gotten my discretionary spending back on track (after the move and the holidays), I have decided that February is a good month to get my eating back on track.
So, for the next month, I’m going to avoid eating processed foods. No cookies. No chips. Just fruits, vegetables, meat, beans, and rice. (I’m counting potatoes as a vegetable, but not if they’re processed.)
There’s nothing wrong with a more gradual approach to reducing spending or changing your diet, but I’ve always been most successful using the “all or nothing” technique. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Longtime readers will know that I don’t really “do” New Year’s resolutions. And I don’t pick a word of the year (WOTY) most years either. But it feels appropriate to have a WOTY this year because I am experiencing major life changes.
For most of my adult life I have had the goal of earning a PhD. I always expected that I would complete this degree and then work as a professor and/or researcher for the Department of Defense (DoD). And I made it all the way to the last step: I completed all of the coursework, wrote and defended a master’s thesis, passed the comprehensive exam, and completed two prestigious fellowships. I have been a doctoral candidate (also known as all-but-dissertation [ABD]) for four-and-a-half years. And that entire time I have been too ill and/or broken to be able to work on the dissertation.
Each time there was some improvement in my health, I would attempt to work on my dissertation. And, each time, my health would experience a significant setback. Determined as I am to complete this goal, conditioned as I am to never quit, I can’t keep ignoring this pattern. In the back of my mind, I hear Dr. Phil saying:
And I have to admit, it *isn’t* working. And, as the saying goes, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
The truth is, sometimes it doesn’t matter how determined you are or how hard you’ve worked – sometimes you just can’t reach the finish line.
This is a harsh reality when you are chronically ill – sometimes you just can’t will your dreams into reality because your body betrays you, and no matter how badly you want something or how hard you try, your body just won’t do what you want or need it to do.
So it’s time to cut my losses and move on.
Which means that I am now in freefall. By letting go of the end of the rope to which I’ve been hanging for so many years, I find myself falling into the unknown. Letting go of the goal to which I’ve been fiercely holding tight for so many years is scary, even though I know that I have to let go in order to make room for something new.
So I’m leaping off a cliff, freefalling into the unknown future with hands that are bloody from having held on so tightly to this dream for so many years, bloody from having fought so long not to have it pried from my grip.
If I’m honest, the future is always unknown. That’s just hard to admit for those of us who like to pretend that we can control the future by making plans and following them. But becoming chronically ill has forced me to confront my illusions of control. When you are forced to accept that you can’t control your own body, you realize you don’t have control of much else either.
Therefore, 2019 will be a year of transition, a year of major life changes for me. We’ve moved across the country, to a fixer-upper, so renovations will begin again (after three years of renovating the house we thought was our retirement home in the Rockies). I am surrendering the dream that I have held for decades, and which I have been actively pursuing for the past eight-and-a-half years. I will continue to pursue diagnoses for my chronic illnesses in 2019. And Spousal Unit and I will have to figure out what comes next – how do we want to live our liveshere and now. Here, in this new place, and now that we have surrendered the dreams that led us to Colorado. Now that our lives are shaped by my illnesses and disability.
But first, I’m going to grieve the death of this dream that I have pursued for so long. I’m going to grieve the change in my physical status from able-bodied to disabled and chronically ill. I’m going to sit with my feelings and fully feel them, rather than running away from them or ignoring them, as I have done for most of my life. And then I will work on acceptance – acceptance of my new reality, acceptance of “what is and what can never be.”
I know that I have to let go of this dream in order to make room for whatever is next. I’ve been stuck spinning my wheels for years. It’s time to make a change, time to let go and move on.
But I’ve never quit before, you see, so it’s going to take some time for me to process this.
And then I think I’ll have a wake for my PhD. It has consumed a large portion of my life, and I think a commemoration is in order. I will grieve, and I will honor its passing, and then I will rise from the ashes of the life I thought I would have and walk into my alternate future.
Does my blogiversary still count if I didn’t blog at all for a large percentage of the past year? Sorry for the long absence – I always wonder what happened when my favorite bloggers just disappear with no explanation and now I’ve gone and done the same thing myself. Mea culpa.
So, what happened? I continued to get more ill, more incapacitated the longer I lived in the Rockies – even though I had successfully lived there previously. This time my body simply was.not.having.it.
Despite my best efforts, I was unable to obtain a diagnosis, let alone a successful treatment. I reached the point where I was no longer living – I was merely existing. I spent my days online if I had enough mental capacity or watching TV if I did not. I only left the house for doctor’s appointments, and I couldn’t tolerate most visitors to my house due to my allergies.
After years of struggling to get better, I finally accepted that I probably never will. I am chronically ill and disabled, and my life has radically changed. This is my “new normal.”
And so I asked myself, “Assuming that I will not be able to complete my academic degree and that I may never be able to work outside the home again, how do I want to live what is left of my life?” I heard my sister-in-law’s voice, asking the question she often asks her children: “What would make your heart happy?”
And although my answer was frequently, “I want to finish my degree and complete the plans I made,” eventually a different dream emerged. If I could no longer pursue my previous goals, then I wanted to skip ahead to the dreams I had for “someday.” Eventually – once I had worked long enough, once I had done enough to contribute to society – I wanted to live someplace warm, someplace where I could swim and snorkel and scuba dive whenever I wanted.
And so Spousal Unit and I have uprooted our lives once again. We have sold our dream home in the Rockies and moved to the beach.
I plan to blog about all of this in 2019: coming to terms with a chronic illness; moving while chronically ill; survival minimalism; personal finance and chronic illness; and learning to live life on my own terms and according to my own definition of success. And, of course, I will continue to blog about heath and wellness.
Thanks for reading my blog. Thanks for coming along on my journey. I look forward to what 2019 will bring.
Whelp, One Sick Vet is two years old, so it seemed like a good time to explain how One Sick Vet came to be.
Backstory:
It all started with a giant metal chicken.
A friend posted this link on Facebook and I was hooked. I’ve been reading The Bloggess’s blog ever since. It was the first blog I read and followed. The “gateway” blog, so to speak.
That lead to other blogs…
First, The Bloggess’s friends, like Chookooloonks. Then I found Hyperbole and a Half and Cake Wrecks. I was entertained, and also learning from others’ experiences of dealing with significant health issues, including mental health issues.
And then Mister Money Mustache (MMM) burst on the scene. His blog lead me to other personal finance blogs. Among my favorites are J. L. Collins’s blog (you may recall I reviewed his book, The Simple Path to Wealth); J. D. Roth’s various blogs (he recently bought back his very successful blog, get rich slowly); The Military Guide (started by Doug Nordman, and focusing on financial independence for military personnel); Frugalwoods (about frugality, financial independence, and figuring out what you want out of life); the Mad FIentist; and The Military Wallet .
I also read Simplicity/Minimalism blogs, travel blogs, and health blogs.
After years of reading other people’s blogs, I eventually decided to start my own blog. Although there are various health blogs, I hadn’t found any blogs that talked about the specialized health issues of military personnel and veterans, like dealing with the military healthcare system, Tricare, and the Veterans Health Administration. So I launched this blog, and published my first post on 25 January 2016.
How meta. One Sick Vet paying homage to The Bloggess and Mister Money Mustache.
I’d like to give a special shout-out to MMM for his super helpful post on How to Start a Blog, since I used that post to get started. [The post is now 5 years old, so some of the information is dated, but it is still helpful.]
I’d also like to thank the small but faithful band of contributors, readers, and supporters One Sick Vet has accumulated, especially guest blogger Dave Banko for all of his informative posts and shipmate/Wingman Doug Nordman for all of his advice and support. And, of course, Spousal Unit for putting up with all of this blog nonsense.
And now, what would you like to see *more* of on One Sick Vet? What would you like to see *less* of? What health topics would you like to learn more about?
So, if you’re planning on making New Year’s resolutions this year, I recommend this post by J. D. Roth about goal setting that leads to greater chances of success.
When I first fell and injured my arm, I went to my local military treatment facility for care. As part of the paperwork, I reported that the injury was due to a slip-and-fall. The paperwork seemed to indicate that since the injury occurred outside the U.S, the government would not pursue compensation from the resort. I heard nothing further for three years.
No news is not good news, in the legal world.
After my fourth surgery to repair the damage from that fall, I again received paperwork from the government. They stated that they were withholding payment to my surgeon until I completed the same form I had originally completed, detailing how and where the injury occurred. Thinking this was odd, since I had already completed the paperwork over three years ago, I nevertheless completed the form again, and sent it in. Again, I assumed that would be the end of the matter.
You know what they say about assuming things…
In addition to letters from the surgeon’s office inquiring as why my bill has not been paid, I have now received a letter from the Air Force Legal Operations Agency (AFLOA) threatening legal action against me, and suggesting that I should possibly retain my own lawyer. In addition to the previous DD Form 2527 that I submitted, AFLOA is demanding I also submit “the attached MCRP Questionnaire…within 30 days.” There are also threats of notification of First Sergeant or Commander if I am still active duty and do not return the form within 30 days.
So now, in addition to dealing with rehabilitation of the arm, beginning physical therapy for the knees, and pursuing diagnosis of the chronic, debilitating disorder from which I suffer, I need to defend myself against legal action from the Air Force because they do not want to pay for the health benefits Spousal Unit and I earned in active duty service to our country.
When the accident occurred, I remember being grateful that I had excellent medical coverage. After the malpractice that occurred in the military’s treatment of my arm, and the current threatened legal action in an attempt not to pay for my treatment, I no longer consider my medical coverage excellent.
The deterioration of medical coverage for veterans, currently serving military members, and their families is a breach of contracts, both actual and psychological, that the government agreed to with members of the armed forces, in exchange for their selfless service. We were promised full healthcare coverage for life. Those benefits were earned through blood, sweat, and tears. But they are being eroded. The government is not living up to their end of the agreement.
Threatening to sue veterans because their treatment has become too expensive is disgraceful.No veteran, service member, or family member should have to add the anxiety of threatened legal action (by the branch of service in which they selflessly served) to the burden of being sick or injured. No veteran, service member, or family member should have to worry that their health benefits will be denied, or that their assets will be taken from them.
Does anyone know a lawyer with expertise in this area? Apparently I have to defend myself against the Air Force. Apparently the greatest fight of my life will not be in defense OF my country, but in defense FROM my country. May God help us all.
Just a quick update today. Hopefully more detailed post to follow.
The latest shoulder surgery seems to have gone very well. Range of motion recovery is 3 months ahead of schedule, according to the orthopedic surgeon. There is soreness during and after physical therapy, but the pain is gone. The scars are also healing very nicely. I am hopeful that this will have been the last surgery on this arm. (The fourth time is the charm?)
Meanwhile, my knees have been getting worse. (I know I haven’t talked about them on the blog before.) Due to the drama with the arm, I had been not paying much attention to the fact that I was becoming less able to take short walks and climb up stairs. But a friend came to visit recently, and my knees were hurting so much on a short walk we took that we had to seriously reduce our pace. And this time, the effects lasted for at least a week. Oh, and the stairs – I was hobbling up the stairs at home for at least a week, and some days I would just stay on one floor of the house to avoid the stairs.
Fortunately, I had a (very difficult to get) appointment with the VA not long after that. My provider ordered x-rays and physical therapy for my knees, after diagnosing me with pes anserine bursitis upon physical exam. And by physical exam, I mean she poked and prodded and twisted my knees until I was excitedly saying “Yes, it hurts when you push right there!” and “My leg doesn’t *go* that direction!”
The x-rays have been read, and the report confirms arthritis in both knees as well. I already had a diagnosis of osteoarthritis from my VA intake exam, but had not been offered any treatment previously. But my knees have deteriorated since then, and I welcome the chance to treat these aching knees.
More to follow soon, I hope, about ways to deal with arthritic knees. Two steps forward, one step back.
