Tools for Your Health and Wealth Toolboxes//AKA My Thoughts on Some Current Discussions in the FIRE and Chronic Illness Communities

Definitions matter. Definitions and standards literally define and set standards so that we have a common understanding of words, concepts, or measurements. Definitions help us define what the meaning of “is” is, and standards standardize the exact measurement of a foot (12 inches).

Despite definitions and standards, however, there still remains confusion and lack of consensus on many topics. In the academic field of leadership study, for example, there is no agreed upon definition of leadership, nor is there a taxonomy, or agreed upon conceptual framework, for use in analyzing the topic.

In patient care, there is much ambiguity centering on pain measurement and management. This is certainly *not* helped by the widespread adoption for use with adult patients of a pain graphic designed for children. Particularly for adult patients with chronic pain, it is very oversimplified and imprecise (not to mention demeaning) to point to a frowny face to describe their pain.

This is why I now carry my own copy of a better pain chart with me to doctor’s appointments (see below): I can precisely define my anchors [which, I learned in academic training, is essential to having a valid scale (c.f. this)]. Plus, my pain is no longer subjective – I have submitted to my doctor an objective pain scale that precisely describes my current type and level of pain.

In the area of personal finance, there is a great deal of debate about foundational issues such as the definitions of “retirement,” “financial independence,” and “early retirement.” Personally, I have adopted J.D. Roth’s Stages of Financial Freedom metric (see below), in which he describes six stages of financial freedom, ranging from Stage 0 “Dependence” (at which your lifestyle is dependent upon financial support from others) to Stage 6 “Abundance” (at which “Your passive income from all sources will not only fund your lifestyle indefinitely, but grant you the freedom to do whatever you want.”). [Technically, there are seven stages, but six of them are stages of independence, while the first stage is that of dependence – it doesn’t bother me that J.D.’s six stage model arguably has seven stages, but I acknowledge that point for those of you who will take issue with it.]

Currently, bloggers in the FIRE sphere are debating and trying to collate various definitions of financial freedom: FIRE, Barista FIRE, LeanFIRE, FatFIRE, Morbidly Obese FIRE, etc. Basically, the discussion (as I see it) is an attempt to quantify the range of income individuals are comfortable setting as a goal/achieving as annual income in retirement/early retirement.

While there can be utility in such an endeavor, particularly as a way to define income range without talking about specific personal finance numbers (i.e., “I am aiming for FatFIRE, which is generally accepted to mean at least $100,000/year income” rather than saying, “I currently make x number of dollars, and I plan to save 30x before I ‘retire'”), J.D.’s model really resonated for me, and I find it a useful tool for thinking about my behaviors and financial effects as well as those of others (much like the descriptions in the comparative pain scale are).

For example, some of us in the personal finance/FIRE sphere come from working-class backgrounds. As Kristy Shen explains in her recent book, Quit Like a Millionaire, one’s socioeconomic status as a child can affect one’s perspective on money and personal finance matters for the rest of one’s life. Additionally, as pointed out by several PF/FIRE POCs (persons of color), such as El Camino a FI and Revanche, having cultural expectations to support/assist some or all of one’s family members can make it much more difficult to advance through the stages of financial freedom.

In our case, Spousal Unit and I both came from working-class backgrounds and each felt obligated to help our parents and siblings financially. This has certainly had an impact on our advancement through J.D.’s Stages of Financial Freedom, and continues to impact us today. I would say that Spousal Unit and I are currently at Stage 5 “Independence” (helped, in large part, by a military pension). However, most of our family members remain somewhere between Stage 0 “Dependence” and Stage 2 “Stability.” In fact, most of them bob back and forth between Stage 1 “Solvency” and Stage 0 “Dependence,” despite our best efforts to help them achieve greater financial freedom.

Spousal Unit and I have spent considerable resources (time, money, vacation days, etc.) caring for our family members and attempting to help them improve their financial situations. But, over the years, we have grappled with the same questions I see raised by some of these other bloggers/podcasters:

“Where is the line between helping and enabling?” and “What do you do if the individual wants a handout, not a hand up?”

Crew Dog, One Sick Vet

One of our parents is currently at Stage 0 and seemingly has no interest in changing their behaviors. They are completely dependent on us and on their sister for basics like housing and transportation. We (including the sister) try not to enable them (for example, we give them gift cards to specific restaurants, stores, etc. rather than cash). But it can be very difficult not be resentful when you are playing the ant to some else’s grasshopper.

Anonymess made a comment on Revanche’s blog recently that I found very helpful: “Spouse and I have also given smaller amounts — $700-$1,500 — to family and friends. We have a rough policy: we’ll make the loan if we’re liquid enough at the time, and everyone “qualifies” for about $1,000 total. We let the borrower know that if they’re unable to repay us we’re happy to consider the money a gift, but if they do repay us, we’ll have the money to lend to them again.”

My takeaway from this is to establish boundaries that you (and your partner, if applicable) are comfortable with regarding money and “helping” others. Will you loan money to others? If so, whom? Anyone who asks? Only family? Close friends? Only people who will pay you back? Only people who are really trying to improve their situations? Only people who want/need the money for a really good reason? How much money will you lend? How long will they have to pay you back? Whatever you decide is appropriate for you becomes your boundaries.

I like Anonymess’s boundaries because they are specific: up to ~$1,000 per person, and if the money is repaid it is available to borrow again. Some other rules that many people use are never to loan more than they can afford to lose, never to count on being repaid, and never to co-sign a financial agreement for a less-credit-worthy individual.

The important part is to determine, before you are asked, what your boundaries are regarding helping family or friends financially, and then to establish and enforce those boundaries.

Crew Dog, One Sick Vet

Tough love doesn’t feel good for the person receiving it, and it doesn’t feel good for the person distributing it. But it is typically the difference between truly helping and enabling. It sounds harsh, but you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. Also, you can’t share what you don’t have. There are no loans for retirement; if you haven’t saved enough/accumulated enough assets, you’re screwed. And some people will use someone until they’ve bled them dry, and then they’ll move on to the next person, leaving desolation in their wake. Letting yourself be used (and possibly bankrupted) doesn’t actually help the other person become financially responsible, and it certainly doesn’t help you become more financially independent.

Please join the conversation. Have you been asked (or is it a cultural expectation) to help family members or friends financially? How has it affected/is it affecting your progression through the financial freedom stages? How do you deal with the feelings (yours and theirs)? Does your partner agree with your position on the issue or not? Have you established boundaries or found other tools, guidelines, or advice that has helped you? Should this and similar topics be acknowledged and discussed more frequently in the personal finance/FIRE space? How can the FIRE sphere encourage more diversity?

Or do you have something to say about pain scales or other helpful tools for dealing with chronic illness?

Please add your voice/perspective to the comments!